Dear Friend,
A few weeks ago I gave a talk on Financial Therapy at my graduate school alma mater, Naropa University. There were real live humans in the audience and it was also streamed on Zoom, so the best of both worlds.
I didn’t realize that it was the first live talk (not online) that I had given since the pandemic.
And, it turns out I had covid when I was giving the talk!
I had tested negative before and after the talk but it was very clear I was still sick. You see, I brought home some virus from a lovely dinner with a girlfriend the week before and promptly gave it to my husband and son. They tested positive for covid after my talk but we all had the same symptoms so…
So, I realized after the big talk, that I indeed had covid. Oy.
Even though my mind wasn’t as clear as usual, it was still a great evening.
The moral of the story…sometimes, it’s important to curl up in bed and take a nap and sometimes it’s important to shower, do your hair, put on lipstick, and leave the house because the show must go on!
After the event, a few questions were sent my way that I responded to behind the scenes.
One of the questions really caught my attention and I think many of you would benefit from seeing my response.
So, here is my first “Ask Bari Anything” column…
Q: Why is it that some people get money or a paycheck and aren’t able to save it easily but instead rush to spend it?
When they have anxiety or a compelling feeling to spend it, what could cause that?
(not referring to severe addictions like hoarding.)
A: HI…Thanks for your question.
I don’t have one answer for this because we are all so unique in our money stories but there have been some patterns and examples of this that I have seen over the years.
For example, I have seen folks who came from wealthy families get an inheritance and unconsciously want nothing to do with the money. It could be they don’t agree with how the money was made or they don’t feel like they deserve it because they didn’t do anything to earn it beyond being born in that family. Or the family dynamics or relationships were very painful or abusive. So the inheritance comes in and they spend it as quickly as they possibly can so they don’t have to face all that the inheritance represents and their family history.
A practice here would be to first be kind to yourself if the money came in and quickly went out. “What is the point of trying to update your financial life, if you are going to be self-critical to yourself the whole time”. A second practice would be to get yourself to some therapy to give yourself the gift of support and deeper understanding of yourself and your family so you can do some healing work and feel more empowered moving forward.
For others, it’s the energy of holding on to money that they don’t have the capacity for yet. They don’t know how to hold it and tuck it away and create some kind of container. So they want to get rid of it fast. It’s a feast and famine cycle, which is like an addiction cycle. They are used to the feeling of having no money and so they spend quickly to get back to that place that is familiar. Or they enjoy the dopamine hit of getting the money and then spending instead of catching that addictive pattern sooner and putting in some new habits in place.
Some practices here could be learning how to grow your capacity for sitting in the energy of having resources and having extra resources for now and future joys and challenges. Somatic tools can be incredibly helpful here to grow our capactiy for more energy, more money and more joy. And, it’s as important as learning how to be present with the other side of the money emotion spectrum like anxiety or stress, as well. Also, learning to sit with the energy of having extra resources and what it represents to you can also be very useful.
For some, it could be that they have a hard time thinking about the future and so only live in the moment. We, as a culture, have a hard time thinking of the future. It could be that we were taught not to dream or for others it could be they can’t imagine a future or are afraid of the future. Given this, sometimes we spend like there isn’t a future.
So, it can be really helpful to give yourself some space to dream a little bit. Maybe you start small with an intention or a hope for your money life. A next step could be to create a new savings account with names that are more meaningful to you, for example, “future” money account or “travel to Spain” savings account. Or create an account for “life happens” or “cash flow” to rename a savings account. Sometimes just naming things in a new way, with deeper intentions, can really shift things.
For some, they just don’t have practical strategies in place yet on how to hold onto money longer, to tuck it away in their new or updated savings accounts. This can bring a lot of relief when they start tucking a little away as a weekly or monthly ritual depending on how your money comes in.
So many of us don’t know how to do this but it is a muscle that can be practiced and the more you do it the better it feels. Just the act of squirreling away a little bit of money at a time can build confidence, trust and resources. This is where my money date rituals come in and also where renaming your accounts with your values can change everything.
Ultimately, I would ask deeper questions of the person doing this unconscious spending pattern to try to understand what it means for them on an emotional and psychological level. There are so many good journaling questions in both of my Art of Money books to help with this. And, I would also offer them some practical tools and rituals that I have mentioned above to start building new habits and practices.
Hope these musings help you think about this in new ways.
Sometimes change can happen quickly and sometimes it requires a good amount of time and patience.
So, what is one next step you can take today?
Lastly, feel free to send in a question for my “Ask Bari Anything” column and I may just create a few more pieces like this!
With my dear wishes and support,
P.S. The next cohort for my Art of Money program is starting May 1st! You can find all the details of my signature 3-month financial therapy program over there. Please note there are tabs right below the header photo that link you to all the important sections of the page from Syllabus, Pricing, FAQ, etc.
